Harry Potter's Deathly Hallows
by Sevie-Poo
Summary: A comedy rewrite of the seventh Harry Potter book. Contains just about every slash.


AN: I do not own Harry Potter or these characters. This is a work of fanfiction. Please read and review.

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"I can't take it! Did you see the way he leaves his dirty plates around after eating the food that we cook him!?" Lucius bellowed to his wife, Narcissa.  
"Shh! He'll hear you!" Narcissa responded.  
It was a question if Voldemort had heard Lucius's complaining or not, though. The dark wizarding master was too busy spinning an older woman around in a wheel chair. "Please! Stop! I'm dizzy!"  
"Come on! I want a turn, do me!" Draco Malfoy whined as he couldn't take his eyes off the spinning woman.  
"Silence!" Voldemort gave Charity Burbage, who was head of Muggle studies at Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry a final spin. The force of it was so hard, that it flung her right out of the chair. She flew across the room and landed right into Nagini snake tank. The reptile confused her for an oversized mouse, and down she went inside of the snake.  
Meanwhile, to the left of Voldemort, two men were arguing back and forth with one another. "You have no idea how much time I have spent watching him! I'm surely right!" Severus Snape spat at Yaxley. "All you heard was the fake time that they are going to move Harry Potter."  
Yaxley huffed and turned away from Snape. "Lord Voldemort, who do you believe…me or him!?" he said pointing at Snape and himself. Voldemort perked.  
"Why don't both of you come here and try to convince me who is telling the truth." The leader spoke as he sat down on the chair and pulled up his robes. His legs were sleek and smooth, like a snake's body. Both Yaxley and Snape ran over to the man at once, dropping on their knees in front of him. "Move it!" growled Snape as he pushed at Yaxely's face. The man bit at his hand though and went straight for Voldemort's private snake. Snape did the same…

Sirius was dead. Harry reached down in the bottom of his school trunk and pulled out the shards of the mirror Sirius had given to him before his death. With the edge of one piece he made superficial cuts along his arm and bled. His favorite My Chemical Romance song was playing in the Muggle CD player.  
There was a crash at the door, which made Harry stop cutting himself. Mad-Eye Moody, Lupin, Ron, Tonks, Hagrid Hermione, Fred, George, Fleur, and Mundungus all shouted at Harry as he stepped down the stairs. "SURPRISE!"  
"What's going on?" Harry questioned.  
"We're moving you out of this house tonight!" Moody spoke. "We're making seven decoys of you. It was Ron's idea."  
"Ron, I never knew you to be so smart!" Harry said in Ron's direction. Ron only smiled and blushed at him.  
Everyone in Harry's house pollyjuiced themselves and teamed up with one another. Half would be Harry, half would stay the same for the job of protection. "Alright." Ron smirked as he threw himself in the middle of the pile of Harrys. He took off his clothes and started to rub himself up against each one.  
"Ron!" shouted the real Harry.  
"What! It was my idea, see? This is why I thought we were doing this. You see…everyone forgot my birthday, and-"  
"No you red-headed retard! It's to throw off the Death Eaters as to which is the real Harry!" Moody shouted over Ron's words.  
Without another mention of the seven Harry sex that Ron attempted, everyone teamed up with a protector. Harry grabbed his trunk and Hedwig, where he was supposed to stay with Hagrid. Hagrid had Sirius's old bike vibrating between his legs, and the two of them traveled by these means.  
Once in the air, it took no time for all of them to be attacked. Curses were being thrown at both real and fake Harrys. "I must protect Hedwig!" the real Harry shouted as he opened he cage to let her fly out. "Go! Fly away from this area!" he yelled at her. The owl zoomed out of the cage so fast, and high, that it was all too late before she flapped right into an engine of a jet plane. White feathers fell everywhere. "Nooo! Hedwig, no!" Harry cried.  
On the other side of the county, battle ensured with the fake Potters. Mundungus fled from the battle and left Moody to fight for himself. Things were hard, but Moody was about to stun his enemy when the same jet engine knocked him off his broom. The man feel down to his death where rabid sharks at him whole. His body would never be found except for his disgusting eye that floated to the top of the water.  
The sound of the jet engine roared, and Ron and Tonks just barely swooped out of the way from it. They had gotten a glimpse of the driver. "Voldemort can…fly!?" Tonks gasped.  
On the ground, Snape was penetrating George through the anus. "This is pathetic! How many times has your brother screwed you!? You're so loose, I am going to rip you a new one!" Snape growled as he licked from George's neck, along his face, and then over his ear where he bit it off just like that Muggle boxer.  
"Ahhh!" George screamed. Snape tore out of his rectum and then pushed his member in the new hole. It was much smaller and tighter; much more pleasing to the Death Eater as he had intercourse with George through the ear hole. "That's right, scream for me the way my master did when I-won-the-challenge!"

The battle has happened, but eventually everyone got away and to the base: The Burrow; well, everyone but Hedwig and Moody. During their time there, Dumbledore's will was read to them, but the head of the Ministry of Magic would not give them what Dumbledore had left( the Dildo of Gryffindor) out of some lighter, a book, and a snitch, because he was being a dick.  
Everyone soon forgot all about Hedwig and Moody's death as they became busy preparing for Fleur and Bill's wedding. The wedding looked like Fleur's whole family had just gotten their period with how many redheads over powered each normal person. Everything was going just as planned. Severus Snape made it a habit of stalking Harry whenever he wasn't attending a meeting. After a few spiked drinks of Butter Beer, the Death Eater became drunk and summoned his Death Eater friends. "Damn if this will happen!" they yelled as they stormed through the reception. "You're all supposed to be gay!" one of the Death Eaters yelled as they had read too much online fanfiction with their friend's Muggle computer (who was now dead for having something of Muggle).  
In a state of urgency, Harry, Ron and Hermione disappeared out into safety. Ron, who was not good with hunger, demanded that they eat since he didn't finish his cake. They went into a diner where some other Death Eaters were having a snack. They battled, won, and then ended up at 12 Grimmauld Place.  
They all sat around for several days playing some SNES. Lupin visited and had an argument about getting Tonks an abortion since he had gotten her preggers. Harry visited Sirius's old room where he jacked off to the pictures of Muggle women in bikinis. When he got tired of these, the boy went to Sirius's younger brother room to see if there was any new material. The only thing there was, was a locket covered with semen. It confused Harry why this would be a turn on, but it was. Then it hit him. This was a whore-crotch! This was the real whore-crotch that they were looking for! Finally he spoke up. "I've found it!" he grabbed the locket and brought it to Hermione and Ron.  
Hermione reached a finger out and dabbed some of the semen on her digit where she tried it. "It's fake. The semen isn't real. This has to be a fake."  
"So great, we need to find the real one of this, and the rest of them." Ron whined. "We already know that Dumbledore destroyed the ring you-know-who liked to fuck, Harry killed his favorite porno magazine, so what else? What else did he use to get off with?"  
"It is crucial that we find these, because his semen is so magical, his seed stays alive forever! In order to kill him, we have to get rid of all his contents!" Harry said proudly.  
"That is all very good, but where do we go about finding the real locket? There must be a really hot picture inside." Hermione chimed in.  
"Considering this was Sirius's bother, Kreacher must know. I remember Sirius talking about how Regulus used to sleep with him all the time!."  
So the kids called the house elf over who said that Mundungus came over where he raped and stole everything, including the locket. They summoned Mundungus who said that a toad took the real locket. Of course he had to mention how he kissed this toad and it turned into a women. That could only mean it was Doloris Umbridge. "Now how do we get that?" Ron inquired.  
"One of us will have to sleep with her." Harry suggested. They all went pink, and then vomited in unison. After some further planning, it was decided that Hermione would be the one to endure the toad.  
They pollyjuiced themselves and went to the Ministry of Magic to meet her. Harry and Ron waited outside of Umbridge's office as Hermione went in as some unimportant ministry worker. It had been pretty easy to seduce the older woman, but it was hard getting past her vaney legs and stretch marks. Umbridge's back was covered with moles that all seemed to have hair growing out of them. Still, the two women engaged. Hermione kissed Umbridge from head to toe. As the women closed her eyes and moaned, Hermione tore the locket and hid it in her own cooch.  
After seven hours of pollyjuicing herself between orgasms, Hermione finally walked out of the office. "G…got it." She choked, feeling quite ill.  
Just as they thought all was well, the door of Umbridge's office slammed open. She spoke in a sweet voice. "Where are you going love, I –" but she gasped. Her lover was standing with two males. "You are…cheating on me? Oh no…we can't have that." The woman snapped her fingers in the air, and everyone in the Ministry stopped what they were doing and took their wands out. They pointed them at the three and started directing painful curses. "Release the zombie" Shouted Umbridge, and an infiri jumped out of a trunk and bit Ron's arm off.  
"Ahh! My arm! My arm!" by this time, it was evident that they get out of there. A Death Eater latched onto Hermione. He started to dry hump her all the way back to Grimmauld Place. Now that their hiding place was discovered, they could no longer attend safely there.  
After Hermione detached herself from the horny Death Eater, they now appeared in the woods. They all pitched a tent. Ron was becoming pissy with Harry since they had no set plan and they didn't have the Dildo of Gryffindor to destroy the locket with. So after not getting the food he wanted, the boy left them. Harry and Hermione were now on their own where they had nothing but hot sex all day and night. This was annoying though since all Hermione did was cry as Harry fucked her.  
Again they forest hoped. On one cold night, Harry got out of the tent he pitched and watched a silver doe. It seemed to have beckoned him. He followed it through the woods, but then a hunter shot it. Silver blood poured out of the dead deer on top of a frozen lake. To Harry's surprise, he saw the Dildo of Gryffindor at the bottom. He wanted it bad because he was so horny. Harry stripped off his clothes.  
From behind some trees and bushes, Snape stirred. "Oh yeah" he drooled. He knew placing the dildo at the bottom of a lake would make Harry take his clothes off. The water was too cold though, and it killed his erection. Since Harry was a teenager, his testosterone was what kept him going. Now without it, he could not function.  
Ron was done having his period, so he could go in water again. Actually, he was in such a good mood that he decided to come back. The boy rescued the other and now held the Dildo of Gryffindor proudly. Because Ron was the one to get the sword, Harry told him to destroy the locket whore-crotch.  
Just as Ron opened the sticky, semen covered locket, a fake Harry and Hermione appeared out of it. The false Harry spoke to Ron. "I have seen your heart, and it is mine!" Voldemort had a crush on the Ron, it appeared. Ron smiled and ran to wake Hermione up. She was mad but then got over it as Ron pulled her into the kiss. While osculating her, he reached out and grabbed the phony Hermione's breast and started to fondle them.  
"Hey, what about me!?" one of the two Harrys spoke.  
"Come on!" Ron beckoned them. Both Harrys joined in with Ron and the two Hermione. They all had an orgy.  
After all was done, Ron used the now tainted Dildo of Gryffindor on the whore-crotch and destroyed it. The dildo was pure, so it got rid of such dark semen.  
"Good…" The real Harry said panting. The two fake beings were now gone. "All we have to do is find where Vold-"  
"Shh! Don't say his name! They put a track on his name and can find us if we know it." Ron gasped.  
"Fine, then you-know-wh-"  
"No! They put a track on that too, since every one uses it!"  
"Then what are we going to call big V?" Hermione questioned. The lot of them thought about this for a moment. "Boo-Boo-Baba!" Ron shouted.  
"Yay! We thought of something smart! Lets celebrate!" Shouted Hermione. "We should eat a nice dinner tonight." She said bringing out a basket of mushrooms. "I picked them myself." They all consumed the mushrooms. It didn't take long for the three of them to get very high.  
"Dude…you know what's um…a big question? Death man" said Harry.  
"I'm so tripping balls right now. I think I see Luna's dad in his underwear." Herminone groaned. There, mister Lovegood stood. He spoke to them. "Death is very big indeed. I met him once and he was 13 inches big."  
"What a midget." Ron laughed.  
"I wasn't the only one who met him. No. Three inbred brothers did as well. Have you heard of the deathly hallows?"  
"YAWN! Not interested." Harry bellowed.  
"It's a video game too!"  
"Tell!"  
"First, there is a special ring that you wrap around your cock that is supposed to bring anyone back to life. Next there's a wang that cannot be defeated. It is said to have the power to sleep with anyone you want and not get turned down. Finally the invisible condom. It provides the protection of a condom, but with all the feeling of freedom!"  
"I must find these!"  
"I wonder if Voldemort would want them too." Ron questioned.  
"Stop comparing me to Voldemort!" Harry responded.  
"No! You idiot, it's Boo-Boo-Baba! Now we will be-" but before Hermione could finished, a pair of three Death Eaters appeared, one assigned to each of our heroes. They cupped a cloth over the teenagers mouth, which had chemicals on it and made them all pass out.

Waking up several hours later, they were all tied up in black leather. In front of them was a horrible sight of a massive Death Eater bondage party. They all took turns getting spanked and annually raped with massive bling wands. Finally, after several hours later of Chinese water torture, Voldemort showed up.  
"You know why you have been brought here" he hissed at Harry, Ron and Hermione.  
"N-no! What do you want from us!" Ron cried.  
"Give me the Dildo of Gryffindor! For this shall complete our massive fuck fest!"  
"I don't have it." Harry said straightly.  
"I am so angry!" Voldemort growled. "Bring me Peter Pettegrew!" The man came out to meet his master. "Come here and turn into a rat! I need to feel better."  
"Yes my lord…" Peter mumbled just before transforming into the rat. Voldemort flipped his robe up, reached behind him, picked Peter up by the tail, and shoved him in his asshole. Peter Pettergrew was no more. "Ohhhh yeah, that's better." The wizard moaned. He turned his attention back to his prisoners then. "Now, where are the toys?"  
"I told you, I don't kn-" Harry's words were cut off as the House Elf, Dobby appeared between them. Voldemort stood up straight and shouted to his followers. "It's an elf! Quick, tell me where Santa is!" Dobby pointed to the door. "Everyone, get your lists out!" The mass of them ran out the door, except for one Death Eater. He came up to Dobby and stabbed him in the side. Blood poured out. "That's for making me a Dreamcast instead of Xbox!" he growled. "Now I'm going to give your man Santa a good penetration!" he followed the rest of his kind.  
"Quick…grab my wee-wee, and I shall get you…out of…here…" Dobby coughed up some blood as he lifted his potato sack of a robe up. The three prisoners did as they were told.

After a long celestial right of listening to Christmas tunes to Dogs barking over and over, they finally arrived at one of Ron's brother's house. As for which one, that was a question since there were all too many of the ginger kids and they all looked the same. As they four of them went to enter, Dobby stumbled and fell down. "I…I can't go on. I'm deeeeaaaaad" he collapsed.  
"Nooooooo, Dobby!" Harry cried out but then cleared his throat. They stood around the elf's dead body. "Wh…what do we do with it?" Harry asked.  
"Come on, we'll flush it down the toilet." Ron answered. Harry picked up and they entered inside the house where they disposed of the body.

Inside the comfort of the home, they all had a really long and boring talk about the dildo of Gryffindor. A goblin that just so happen to be there had an argument with Harry on who could keep the novelty. The two of them engaged in a circle jerk to decide this. Harry won and did not have to drink for the cup…that was later destroyed since a circle jerk cup is always a whore crotch. .  
It was time for the three protagonists to get on their gay little adventure again. They left and picked up the dildo of Gryffindor from wherever they left it. Onward they walked until Harry came to a halt. "Hey guys, this is where my parents are buried!"  
"Oh, how do you know, Harry?" Hermione asked.  
Harry pointed, "Because there's Voldemort pissing on their grave!"  
"Ahhhhh!" they all screamed and ran around in circles before running for cover in an old lady's house.  
"It's so nice of you to see you young whipper snappers." She said.  
"Thank you for letting us hide here." Hermione said.  
"Oh it's okay. It reminds me of the time I needed to hide in someone's house as I was running away from the Nazis."  
"Uh…right. Is there something we can do to repay you?" Harry mumbled.  
"Yes young man. Why don't you come upstairs with me and give me a nice sponge bath."  
"I think Hermione might be better at tha-"  
"No, you look like you have the most gentle hands."  
"Er…okay…"  
So the two of them departed to the second level of the house. There the old woman stripped of her clothes in front of Harry. "Oh my god!" Harry cried, staring at her sagging skin and wrinkly body. Her vanes were so huge and blue, they looked like a road map. "My wang…you broke it!"  
"Aahaha!" She laughed. Only, it wasn't a she at all. Throwing off the skin, Nagini lunged at Harry.  
"JESUS CHRIST!" Harry flew down the stairs. "Come on, we have to go! Boo-Boo-Baba's snake is here!" Screaming, they all ran out and left town. All Hermione could say was "It was inside of her!?" in shock.

After a while they stopped. "Vold—Boo-Boo-Baba is obvious onto us! He knows where we are heading all the time!" whined Hermione.  
"Alright, that's fine." Panted Harry. "We just need to get to the last stop before he does. We only have two more whore crotches to find."  
"Yeah, but we don't have a clue what they are." Ron joined in the conversation.  
"We've looked all around the world and even found Waldo." Harry continued. "Where haven't we checked yet that would likely to have a whore crotch?"  
They all thought about it in silence. "Snape…" Harry said. "Snape is at Hogwarts. Everyone knows he a whore, so maybe he has something there!"

So off they frolicked to Hogwarts. "Come on guys, I remember Tom Riddle talking about a sex doll my second year. There has to be a whore crotch somewhere on there!" Harry encouraged.  
They went to a room of junk, which was Hagrid's hut. Sure enough they found what they were looking for: My Sized Barbie. The doll wore a tiara, which was the whore crotch. They kicked and punched at it. No matter how hard they tried, the thing would not break.  
All of sudden, Draco, Crabbe and Goyal busted through the door. "So you finally showed your face here, ey Potter?" Draco growled. "I thought you were too much of a sissy to return to school!"  
"Sissy! I'll show you how much of a sissy I am, Malfoy!" Harry ran over to Draco and ripped the clothes off the two of them. There he pounded his giant erected manhood into Draco's tight bum. Draco cried out in pain as his henchmen watched and jerked off to the sight of the two of them making mad passionate love. This wasn't just intercourse, no, this was wizarding intercourse! The heat of passion was so strong, that it literally caused for a real fire to break out in the room of junk! The Barbie and her tiara melted, and all the boys, including Hermione, ran out of the flaming room.  
As Draco and his boys ran off, Harry fixed his pants and wondered. "Now we only have one more whore crotch to go. What could it be?"  
"I…I don…don't want to ask Snape." Ron shivered. They all pondered for a moment. Just then, a most horrible voice ran out. "I know you have the boy Harry Potter there in the caste. Hand him over or else my Death Eaters and me will take the castle by force!" Voldemort warned.  
"Oh no!!" Ron almost fainted.  
"Harry! You have to act now!" Hermione yelled. "You have to convince Snape to tell you what the last whore crotch is so we can destroy Boo-Boo-Baba!" Harry knew what he had to do. "I'll meet up with you two later!" he called as he ran off to the Headmaster's office as Snape was now in such a position.  
Harry pounded on the door. Severus Snape opened, staring cold at the boy. "Potter…what an…unpleasant surprise." Severus hissed.  
"P-Professor Snape!" Harry growled, withdrawing his wand.  
"What's the matter Potter, afraid I might hand you over to the Dark Lord?" Snape moved closer to the younger male.  
"Tell me about the last Whore Crotch!"  
"You are in no position to demand things of me…" Snape fearlessly wrapped his hand around Harry's wand and made suggestive strokes up and down it. This told Harry what Snape wanted. "Fine, a deal…I'll give you what you want in return for the information." Harry lowered his wand, dragging the tip of it just barely around in circular motions between Snape's legs.  
Snape smiled. "Will you be able to impress me though? I am…head master after all." The man reached around, giving Harry's arse a firm grip. Unlucky as it was, a man in a suit appeared behind Harry at that moment. "What are you doing here?" he asked Snape. Snape stated. "Why don't you take a seeeeat. Go on, take a seeeeat right over there." He gestured to a chair in the office. The headmaster sat down as the man stood in front of him. "What are you doing here?"  
"I don't know…nothing."  
"Noooothiiiing? It looks like you had inteeeernet to have seeeex with a 13 year old booooy."  
"He said he was 17. Who are you?"  
"I have traaaanscriiipt of your post on that 4chaaaaaan site. Talking about what you would like to do with kiiiiiids."  
"Do not talk about 4chan!"  
"Do you do this ooofteeeeen?"  
"Just tell me who the bloody hell you are!"  
"I'm Chriiiiiis Haaaaaansooooon with NBC daaaaateline news."  
"Oh God! To Catch a Predator!?" Snape yelled as he ran to the window of the office. "You'll never catch me alive!" he shouted as went to jump out of it. "Umf-" he spat, falling back as it was closed. "Bugger…" he coughed and picked up a chair, throwing it through the window and shattering the glass. He jumped out.  
"Oh Merlin!" Shouted Harry. "Did Snape just kill himself!?"  
"No you idiot!" shouted Snape's voice as large wind blew. From up the ground came a plane with Snape at the control of it. "I can fly! AHAHAHA" he sped off into the distance.  
"Snape's on a plane!?" Harry gasped.  
"Come on Harry, we need to get you to safety." Chimed Chris Hanson.  
"No! I need to fight!" Harry squirmed away and ran outside of the castle. During this time a huge battle occurred at Hogwarts. It was very epic like the battle in Lord of the Rings. Many died. Remus Lupin got his head cut off by the power of Satan as one of the Weasley twins got eaten since a Death Eater confused him as being Wendy from Wendy's chain of fast food and thought he would taste like sweet hamburgers. Tonks was about to join in the fight, but she gave birth to a demon werewolf baby that destroyed her uterus on the way out, causing her to bleed to death.

In the distance, Harry cold see Snape's plane parked. He knew that Snape was practically Voldemort's sex slave, so he knew that the two of them must be together. Secretly he snuck on the plane and hid behind the seats. Sure enough he could see Voldemort lounging in third class as he spoke to Snape. "Why didn't you bring me the boy!?"  
"They…were going to party van me."  
"That's it! I have had it with this mutherfucking Snape, on this mutherfucking plane!" Voldemort sent his snake, Nagini, at Severus. The reptile bit into the man's jugular.  
"Have fun dying, loser!" Voldemort hoped off the plane.  
"H-Harry…I…know…you're…here…" gagged Snape. Harry ran to him. Reaching forward, Snape grabbed Harry by his shirt collar. "Look….at…..me….!" the two of them engaged in a stare. Harry's eyes were so beautiful and Severus loved him so much, that he was able to ejaculate one last time before death. Releasing the other, he was dead. Something more than blood was leaking from Snape. Harry knew what to do. He collected the excrement that flooded out of Severus's dead body in his hands.  
This was causing the boy a horrible headache. He needed to escape to someone else's mind. Bringing the magical shit up to his face, Harry consumed it and was immediately thrown Snape's life. He could see his past memories….

A young boy, wearing cheap clothes, from K-mart, was crouched behind a bush. He watched two girls swing on a play set.  
"Watch what I can do!" The girl with red hair said. Her sister protested.  
"Lily, don't!" but Lily didn't listen. She swung very high on her swing and jumped off it. Her body flung across the playground and slammed right into the road's speed limit sign. "Ahh!" she yelled in pain as she fell to the ground bleeding like a dog in heat. Just then, the young Severus Snape jumped out of the bushes at her. She screamed again.  
"I know what you are!" Severus said to the girl. Sitting up, Lily tilted her head.  
"What…?"  
"You're a bitch!" The young girl stood up. "How dare you!" Lily grabbed her sister. "Lets go." As they walked off, Severus made a tree fall on Petunia. "Aaaaah! You jerk!" screamed Lily as she dragged the bloody carcass from under the tree away.

The scene changed. Severus stood in his room. A man with a beer belly dressed in a Disney Goofy head came in with a belt in his hand. "It's Goofy time!" The father yelled to his son.  
"NO, DAD NO!" Snape screamed. His father didn't like much of anything…

The scene changed again. Now Severus sat on a train that was obviously heading to Hogwarts. He thought he sat alone but was startled at hearing another voice. From across from him, Harry saw his dad, Remus, and Sirius. James stood up and went over to Severus. "Look at you, you look like a girl." He smiled and turned back to his friends. "I want him." A look of horror crossed over Severus's face. Sirius Black cleared his throat and grinned as he went over and sat next to Snape and groped his hand between the boy's legs. "Oi! I think he's hard!" Sirius leaned in close, licking the boy's ear before whispering into it. "Does the vibration of the train make you horny, Snivally? How about we give you a real train!" With those words, Sirius and James tore off their clothes. Sirius then followed to rip off Remus' clothes while James ripped off Severus' clothes. He spat on the boy's dick and then forced him into Snape. Sirius went inside of Remus, and James went inside of Sirius. From out in the train's hallway, the elder, Lucius Malfoy, tore the door's open to Snape's room. "All aboard the man train! CHU CHU!" he rammed inside of James.

They got to Hogwarts and were all sorted into their gay little houses. Severus Snape became very obsessed with caring about what James and his friends did at night. James was sure to notice this. One day the boy took off Snape's pants in front of half the school and proceeded to have sex with him. This was a huge embarrassment for Snape, but he couldn't help it! He was desperately in love with James Potter!  
"James, please!" Severus begged.  
"No more, I'm sorry but I'm done!" James denied the other as they stood hidden behind a pillar in the hallway. "I can't be with you any more! People are starting to talk that I'm a queer. I need to go find the closest chick and bang her! Good bye!" and thus Harry James Potter was conceived. Severus Snape would forever be jealous and bitter at James for dumping him.  
And for a final time the scene changed. It was now Dumbledore's office. "Severus…" Albus spoke, "I'm going to need you to kill me for the sake of events and Draco Malfoy."  
"No problem. I already agreed to this and did an unbreakable vow before you decided it, and everyone still thinks I'm good!" Snape nodded.  
Harry was now back in reality. "Well that was fun. Now back to business!" he ran out of the plane to find Voldemort.  
Harry ran and ran until he heard some voices in the woods. From the distance he could see Voldemort with his Death Eater's group. "Oh shit, I'm about to die!" he whined. Then, from out of nowhere, appeared the ghost of Albus Dumbledore. "Hello Harry! Suck on my cock ring, and you shall have your help!" Harry opened his mouth wide and gave the ghost oral pleasure. Sucking on his balls, the magical cock ring fell off, and Harry could now call upon the dead for help. He rubbed it.  
From in the distance he could hear the sound of most horrible moans. Turning behind him, he saw a huge army of zombies! Everyone was there: Remus, James, Sirius, Lily, and even zombie Dobby! "Jesus Christ!" Harry yelled as they started to come at him.  
"Braaaiiins!"  
This obviously wasn't going to work. It was time for plan B! Harry Jumped away from the undead and into the Death Eater pit.  
"Harry Potter! I have you now!" Hissed Voldemort. "Avada Kedavra!" He pointed his wand and down Harry fell. The Death Eaters had been keeping Hagrid for dog fights. They made him carry Harry back to Hogwarts castle to show everyone that he was now dead.  
"This is your savior! Look how easily he went down!" Voldemort said in front of the Hogwarts audience. It was silent….all of a sudden, Harry jumped out of Hagrid's arms and head locked Voldemort. "You just got punk'd!" laughter broke out. "I was just playing dead! And now Neville's going to cut off your snake!"  
"What!?"  
Before Voldemort knew it, Nagini was cut from him, killing off the last whore crotch.  
"No! You horrible boy! I will kill you!"  
Harry reached in his pocket and took out the Death Note and wrote down 'Tom Marvolo Riddle,' followed by the names of the other Death Eaters. "Eliminate, eliminate, eliminate!" Down they all fell within fourty seconds, dying from raging heart attacks. The magical world was safe once more…  
Everyone who lived went off and led very hetero lives, creating a baby farm rather than doing anything useful like being aurors. The end.


End file.
